Unhitched: Love, Marriage, and Family Values from West Hollywood to Western China (Nyu Series in Social and Cultural Analysis) Review

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Unhitched: Love, Marriage, and Family Values from West Hollywood to Western China (Nyu Series in Social and Cultural Analysis) ReviewUNHITCHED is an incredibly interesting book. An eminent family scholar, Stacey has already done much to debunk myths like the notion that that kids need both a mom and dad to turn out OK, or that marriage is an intrinsically superior framework for caring for those we love - or even a necessary one. She brings an open mind and rigorous scholarship to her nuanced, complex, taboo-ridden subject: the different forms that modern families take, and what works - or doesn't - for the people who belong to them.
Her approach in UNHITCHED is original and engaging: an ethnographic journey to three very different cultures - gay men in Los Angeles, diverse South African families with an emphasis on polygamy, and the Mosuo, a non-marrying tribe in China -- to investigate the tensions between desire and domesticity and the surprising forms that intimacy and commitment can assume. It's rigorously researched, but Stacey wears her scholarship lightly and writes with verve and wit.
There are plenty of surprises; Stacey isn't afraid to ask tough questions or to challenge conventional wisdom. UNHITCHED overturned many of my assumptions about monogamy, plural marriage, and gay fatherhood. I didn't know, for example, that gay men more readily adopt children of another race, class, ethnicity, and even health status (also true of their intimate relationships with adults). Stacey reconsiders polygyny, comparing the United States (where family law is rigid but social and economic opportunity relatively fluid) to South Africa (where the law is progressive but stark race and gender inequality persist). Describing polygyny as "a patriarchal bargain offered to and by men who are willing to accept social and economic responsibility for their sexual urges and privileges," Stacey bucks feminist doctrine to make the case that plural husbands, fathers, and lovers should be encouraged to stick around rather than driven underground. This deprives co-wives and kids of any rights or protection, she points out, and sometimes these arrangements are best for the women involved - even if it makes us uncomfortable.
On the other hand, what's not to like about the Mosuo, who have disentangled sex and romance from parental and economic obligations? The maternal homestead is the center of family life, where adults care for their kin. That's where men eat, live, and work, but at night they're free to visit any woman who desires them. Women can likewise pursue or refuse; no double standard. No squabbling with the in-laws, because mate choice has few implications for the family. No fatherlessness: all children born to the same Mosuo women are treated as full siblings. Marriage is not forbidden, but it is not the basis of kinship. On the other hand, as Stacey points out, this requires a high degree of cultural conformity and geographic immobility, but it sure has a lot to recommend it.
Tourism and capitalism are threatening this matrilineal society, so I was grateful to find out about the Mosuo - and to learn about all the other remarkable partnerships Stacey observed during her years of research for UNHITCHED. I came away with a lot of provocative ideas, and I like the view from here. Stacey's message is important: like it or not, family diversity is here to stay. There's no such thing as a "normal" family. No family form or sexual arrangement -- not monogamy, not promiscuity, not Ozzie and Harriet or Big Love -- is natural except variation. It's time to create policy that supports this diversity, and that means not privileging marriage. Whether or not you agree, UNHITCHED will give you a fresh perspective, and it's a very good read.
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